4 years and counting

I must admit it has been a very long weekend.  Not in the good sense you know when you have extra days off but in the wish the weekend was over.  I was feeling sick this weekend but that isn’t the reason.  Today is the 4^th anniversary of my Mom’s death.  I can actually say the word death now.  I keep thinking that the 28^th is the anniversary but it is actually the 29^th.  I think because she died so early in the morning.  Or it may be because we sat with her on the 28^th holding her hand as she slipped away.  We all agree it was not a very peaceful experience for any of us.  It was very painful to watch a woman who wanted to live so much lose such an important battle.  But I don’t want to dwell on the morbid.  There is too much of that already.  I spend enough time.  I think after 4 years most of the anger is gone and the questions don’t matter quite as much.  I have accepted that I won’t have answers.

          What I want to remember is the life she lived.  She taught me so much.  Her life wasn’t easy but she was a survivor in more ways than one.  I am very grateful for the 7 years we had with after her first battle with cancer.  It meant my children got to meet her.  She loved them.  They loved her.  As a matter of fact I will never forget that Mom’s last words to each of my children was “I love you”.  I wonder sometimes if Amanda will remember her.  Amanda was only 3 when she passed.  Jonathan was 6.  I think he still remembers her. 

          There are days I just want to call her and talk to her but I know that is impossible.  There are times when I want so badly to ask her questions but I know that I can’t.  So much history was lost when she passed we always thought there would be more time.  It’s funny that even in the end we thought we had months not days.  Regret is a key word at least on my part.  We never even celebrated her last birthday.  She was too worn out from having testing done.  She left for Kori’s shortly thereafter and when she came back she was too sick to leave the house for much more than doctors’ appointments.  It is amazing how quickly life changes. 

          What I remember most about her was her smile.  The stories she use to tell us as children.  When I read the Doctor Seuss story What was I Scared of? , I can almost hear her voice in my head.  I picture her when we use to have our back yard picnics.  I remember the time somebody tried to steal her purse at the Harbor Mall when she took me to the bathroom.  As a child, our family would go out to dinner pay day, usually to a place called Yorks Stake House.  We spent summers playing outside and visiting Lincoln Park.  I can remember her teaching us how to make wreaths using a coat hanger, along with holly and pine that we had gathered in the woods.  She was very creative.  She made my clothes, worked full time, cooked breakfasts and lunch yet still found time to care for her children and make us feel special.  She was amazing.

As a grown up I miss my best friend.  The person I could talk to and would go out to Arbies with (always with coupons).  The person I shopped with, went to FETC, and swapped work stories with.  I can’t say I always took her advice.  She told me to become anything I wanted except a teacher (she was a teacher and you guessed it so am I) .  She always said it was just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man and you guessed it David isn’t rich.  But you know I took most of her advice.  It was good.

It is unbelievable how much I miss her some days.  Other days are not so bad but the loss is still there.  I have a goal to be as good a mom as she was but I know I am not.  I keep trying too.

Mom I miss you and while I am glad you are no longer in pain I just really wish you could have stayed a while longer.  Because even though I am grown I still needed and it makes me sad that my children will not have you in their lives because you were a great mom and a wonderful Grandma.

WOW he is now 10

It seems like just yesterday my baby boy was keeping me up all night while he slept all day.  I should have known how special my child was.  Jonathan has recently turned 10 and this weekend we will finally celebrate it.  I decide to so something I haven’t done and that is dedicate this post to him.

Jonathan is blessed or cursed with some wonderful abilities.  Most things come very easy to him.  He doesn't seem to have to work at much.  The reason I say this is a blessing and a curse is because sometimes we don't know how to push him to try and excel at anything.  I am not sure what will happen when he has to work for something.   I am not sure I am doing my job as a parent.  He is such an awesome kid.  He cares about people and wants to do well but I think I have missed the mark on a few things.  He is now 10 years old.  I realize how few years I really have left to influence him and guide him.  In a few years he will listening more to his friends than to me.  I wonder if JD realizes how special he is.  I know that he reminds me of me in a lot of ways which means I project my faults on him too much.   I know he is his own person and will find his way.  I just worry I am messing up.  Heavenly Father has blessed me with this wonderful talented child and I want him to be the best person he can be.  I just have never learned how to encourage him to do so.  Some days it seems like everything is a battle.  If I had a few wishes for JD it would be that we find something he is really interested in and encourage him to excel at it.  That he never loses his ability to care about other people.  I want him to always remember to look after the people smaller than him.  I also want him realize how wonderful he is and that he is unique and talented.  I wouldn’t trade him for another son.  I try and tell him all this but he is over the mushy stuff.   

I must close with some memories of JD.  I remember teaching him to ride a 2 wheel bike.  It was around this time of year.  We took his bike to a park so he would have plenty of room.  Wouldn't you know the little bugger picked it up right away and barely needed my help.  I think part of that was his determination to do it.  I also remember my 2 year old son eating Santa's cookies.  He couldn't grasp the concept of  the cookies weren't for him.  I miss the child who I use to read stories to.  The child who could climb on my lap to just be held.  I admire the young man who wants to walk home with the kindergartner because her parents were not at the top of the street.  The way he wants help her sister (even when she doesn't want his help).  I know Jonathan has the ability to do anything he will set his mind to and I hope and pray that I will be able to guide him on his way to becoming the person God intended him to be. 

9/11/11

Inspired by my sisters blog I decided to put my thoughts about 9-11 into this blog.  I can still remember where I was that day 10 years ago.  I was sitting in the back room of the lab I worked at doing medical billing.  We had no windows and there were more than a dozen of us working.  We found out when one of the girls received a phone call telling her what had happened.  From there it was total confusion.  We had no  way of getting the news.  Everyone thought it was an accident.  Shortly thereafter someone received another call about another plane.  From there all pandemonium broke loose.  Some of the woman I worked with wanted to go get their children.  I was in a daze most of the time; I had a desire to go home.  I wanted to know what was going on.  There were calls coming in from family members letting us know what was going on and also we were hearing rumors.  At one point someone reported there were 6 planes unaccounted for and thought to be in the hands of terrorist.  Our supervisor would come in with reports every so often.  She was getting reports from the state police.  Since we were a medical lab we were considered necessity.  We were located less than an hour from Boston where 2 of the planes were hijacked from.  I think we felt more more vulnerable because of this.  No-one knew if the terrorist were going to try and hit our area as well.  We just knew that some of them had originated there.    I must admit living in Mass at the time I felt a certain amount of shame because our airport had been used to perpetrate these attacks.
  It wasn't until I got home after work that I actually got to see the footage and hear the story on the news.  The rest of the afternoon the day was spent trying to get work done and listening to rumors. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and wondered what kind of world I was bringing my unborn child into.
When I finally did see the news story it was as horrifying as I had pictured.  I had to turn away from the screen when they showed the people falling (jumping) from the building.  I couldn't bring myself to turn it off either.
   The first few days after the attack were strange.  People were going crazy preparing for an attack.  Buying duck tape for windows because they thought it would be a gas attack.  People were afraid to open the mail because of the anthrax that was found in several envelops around the country.  We don't hear much about that but I remember being offered rubber gloves to open the mail we received each day.
   A friend of mine that worked for a day care said they actually put a plan in place what to do if a gas attack occurred.  She said they even assigned specific people to seal the windows.  The people who were chosen had children at the center so the owners felt they would make sure they did the job right.
The whole thing was crazy and somewhat scary.  I didn't buy into the gas attack scenario and didn't spend time worrying about anthrax.  I think I just assumed that you can't control everything and I remember part of me felt that giving into all this craziness was what the terrorist wanted.
    I also felt pride in the way this country reacted to the attack.  People pulled together and basically showed more pride in being Americans than I can ever remember.  For a time we weren't a country divided but a country united.  It was as though we were determined to show the world we weren't going let this stop us.  I wish we had some of that pride now.  We could sure use the country pulling together instead of every man out for themselves.

Growing up just 2 fast Amanda is 7 today

1 day old

2010

Today my little girl turned 7.  It just doesn't seem that long ago I made the trip to the hospital to have her.  She was born in between hurricanes.  She came in like a little angel who refused to eat and still has problems in that area.  She was a quiet baby until the colic hit who loved to smile.  She still does have a wonderful beautiful smile. She seemed so fragile and life suddenly became more complicated.  But you know it was worth it.  Not sure I want the colic back but I sometimes miss the little girl who use to let me sing her to sleep.  Holding her when she would let me, with her.  Now while she likes to be held for a little while she has better things to do most of the time.  She is young yet but she is becoming a truly special person.  She really cares about the people around her.  Like the little girl who had to walk home from the bus.  Amanda and JD walked her home even though Amanda's feet were hurting her.  She didn't want to leave the little girl alone.  She believes in everyone and thinks everyone is good and is her friend.  I hope some of that never leaves her but I know the world can be cruel and harsh; I dread the day she learns this.  Her world is tough enough and we are just trying to figure out what is going on with her and find ways to help her cope with the world.  She does so well most days and I am so proud of her.  At seven she still gets overwhelmed by the world around her.  The more I learn the more I am amazed at the way she deals with everything.  She is so bright and full of hope.  Most children who face the world with her condition withdraw and try and hide from the world yet she moves on.  She may be scared and need lots of reassurance but she still goes on.   She worries about others and wants to help.  She doesn't like to see anyone upset.  I can only imagine the young woman she will grow up to be.  I hope she enjoyed her day at today and on Saturday we will have family over to celebrate her birthday.  I wish mom were here to see the person Amanda is becoming. I hope Amanda knows how much she is loved.

Starting Second Week of School

Well the kids have started their second week of school.  So far they like their teachers.  JD is happy and seems to be adjusting well to the 4^th grade.  He is at that point in his life where he wants to be treated like he is grown but is still a child.  He wants to be responsible but lacks responsibility.  I am not sure how to handle this because it seems to be a crossroads.  He is just growing up too quickly.  Add to it that we have some of the first signs of puberty.  I actually bought him deodorant and he has had his first pimple.  I am not sure what to do with him or how to help him through this.  As far as school is going he seems to be doing well. 

While Amanda is doing well in school so far at least I haven’t heard anything from her teacher.  The bus has been a different matter.  Because David and I have both had our pay reduced she and JD are now riding the bus; we just can’t afford after school care.  So far if I leave work exactly on time I am able to get home just before the bus.   Anyway the first day Amanda cried during the ride home.  I think she was worried I wouldn’t be there when she got off the bus.  The next day it seems she had an incident where she was defiant with the bus driver.  I only know this because JD told me when they got off the bus.  We explained to her she has to listen to the bus driver and discussed the rules regarding back packs.   As far as I know there has not been another incident. 

So far this school year seems very hectic.  We shall see what it has in store for us.

Navigating To Camp

For the past week we have been playing a game on the way to camp.  Each child takes a turn navigating either to camp or back home again and we alternate who gets to do it. My dad use to play this game with my brother and I when we were young.  Today it was Amanda's turn to navigate to camp and JD will navigate home.  While Amanda was navigating, JD asked if I realized that Amanda was learning her the difference between left and right by navigating.  I told him I did and I thought it was a fun way to learn it.  But they are both learning so much more or that is my hope. For one thing they know how to get home and as we play the game they will learn how to get to other places.  My hope is that they are realizing that even if they take a wrong turn they can still get to their destination.  That there are many ways to get somewhere; some are faster and some are slower but eventually if you keep your mind on the goal you can get there.  As we navigate I take the time to point some of this out.  JD now knows what "No outlet" means.
I am not sure what I learned when my dad use to do this but I must have learned something because I started it with my children.  Thanks Dad

Getting Ready for School

I think I finally have all the things the kids need to start school.  It is funny how each kid is so different.  Buying stuff for JD is difficult.  I picked up most of the clothes for JD when he wasn’t around and the only thing I needed him for was to try on his new shoes.  Amanda on the other hand had to try on everything and try on various sizes to make sure we bought school uniforms that were comfortable.  Buying shoes are especially stressful for her.  To find the right shoes took 2 visits to the store.  She tried on a few shoes at the first store and while they had shoes that she liked nothing was comfortable.  So we called it a day.  I have learned that I can only push her so far before we reach the point when nothing will work.  As we got ready to go shopping the next weekend to finish up, Amanda questioned why she couldn’t wear her play shoes to school and to be honest they would have worked for a few weeks but I knew that eventually she would have to get new shoes and her shoes would wear out twice as fast since she was using them for play and school.  I was also a little scared to not have a back-up pair in case something happened to her shoes.  She only has 2 pairs of shoes she will wear; a play pair and a pair of sandals that she wears to church.  I don’t think I ever have to worry about her becoming a shoe hoarder.   Well we lucked out with the second pair I tried on her; she got so excited she actually put them on and ran around the store.  Amanda wanted to wear them all the time but I explained she had to wait until school started.  She has never had that reaction before.  Usually she gets a determined face and lets me know she will deal with the shoes.  It usually takes a few days of wearing them before the tantrums die down and she wears them without a fuss. 

I sometimes feel like I gyp JD when it comes time for shopping because I spend so much time with Amanda trying to find just the right clothing.  I know that is because of the SPD and if I don’t spend the time on the clothing than it will lead to so many other issues when it comes times to wear them. 

So now after 2 shopping trips with Amanda, one of which included JD, and a trip to 4 different Wal-Marts to find Amanda’s school socks.  I knew what kind of socks to buy I just couldn’t find her size and didn’t want to take a chance on buying the wrong socks again.  A trip to Target for school supplies and David making 2 trips to office supply stores to find the composition books Amanda needed for school.  I think we have all the material things to send the kids to school.  Hopefully now we can concentrate on the important things now.