I must admit it has been a very
long weekend. Not in the good sense you
know when you have extra days off but in the wish the weekend was over. I was feeling sick this weekend but that isn’t
the reason. Today is the 4th anniversary
of my Mom’s death. I can actually say
the word death now. I keep thinking that
the 28th is the anniversary but it is actually the 29th. I think because she died so early in the
morning. Or it may be because we sat
with her on the 28th holding her hand as she slipped away. We all agree it was not a very peaceful experience
for any of us. It was very painful to
watch a woman who wanted to live so much lose such an important battle. But I don’t want to dwell on the morbid. There is too much of that already. I spend enough time. I think after 4 years most of the anger is
gone and the questions don’t matter quite as much. I have accepted that I won’t have answers.
What I want to
remember is the life she lived. She
taught me so much. Her life wasn’t easy
but she was a survivor in more ways than one.
I am very grateful for the 7 years we had with after her first battle
with cancer. It meant my children got to
meet her. She loved them. They loved her. As a matter of fact I will never forget that
Mom’s last words to each of my children was “I love you”. I wonder sometimes if Amanda will remember
her. Amanda was only 3 when she
passed. Jonathan was 6. I think he still remembers her.
There are days
I just want to call her and talk to her but I know that is impossible. There are times when I want so badly to ask
her questions but I know that I can’t.
So much history was lost when she passed we always thought there would
be more time. It’s funny that even in
the end we thought we had months not days.
Regret is a key word at least on my part. We never even celebrated her last birthday. She was too worn out from having testing
done. She left for Kori’s shortly thereafter
and when she came back she was too sick to leave the house for much more than doctors’
appointments. It is amazing how quickly
life changes.
What I remember
most about her was her smile. The
stories she use to tell us as children.
When I read the Doctor Seuss story What
was I Scared of? , I can almost hear her voice in my head. I picture her when we use to have our back
yard picnics. I remember the time somebody
tried to steal her purse at the Harbor Mall when she took me to the
bathroom. As a child, our family would
go out to dinner pay day, usually to a place called Yorks Stake House. We spent summers playing outside and visiting
Lincoln Park. I can remember her
teaching us how to make wreaths using a coat hanger, along with holly and pine
that we had gathered in the woods. She
was very creative. She made my clothes,
worked full time, cooked breakfasts and lunch yet still found time to care for
her children and make us feel special.
She was amazing.
As a grown up I miss my best friend. The person I could talk to and would go out
to Arbies with (always with coupons).
The person I shopped with, went to FETC, and swapped work stories with. I can’t say I always took her advice. She told me to become anything I wanted
except a teacher (she was a teacher and you guessed it so am I) . She always said it was just as easy to fall
in love with a rich man as a poor man and you guessed it David isn’t rich. But you know I took most of her advice. It was good.
It is unbelievable how much I miss her some days. Other days are not so bad but the loss is
still there. I have a goal to be as good
a mom as she was but I know I am not. I keep
trying too.
Mom I miss you and while I am glad you are no longer in pain I
just really wish you could have stayed a while longer. Because even though I am grown I still needed
and it makes me sad that my children will not have you in their lives because
you were a great mom and a wonderful Grandma.
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